Blurble

How Poker might be the thing that helps fix my life.

Last night, I managed something I’ve never been able to do before. I played a damned good game of poker and won. 

This means a few things:
1. I’ve stuck with something long enough to become “furniture” in a new social group (as Joe kindly put it). This is amazing to me for a few reasons.
2. I’ve figured out the game and the people pretty well in a fairly short amount of time.
3. Unlike my usual pattern of doing really well, then losing it all to a few poor decisions, or lack of attention, I managed to catch myself before I fell too far, and continue on my rampage on people’s chip stacks. That basically breaks my default life pattern right there.

You see, when I fell into a giant pit of nothing this summer after the break-up, and had nothing and nobody except for the one old friend that answered the call to be leaned on for a while, that friend invited me to join him for his regular poker night. My new years resolution that year had been to stop saying no to things that scare me, so I agreed to come along. I had no idea what a snowball that would start in my life.

I ran into a few people I used to know, and met a bunch of other good people.They were extremely welcoming, and pretty damn patient with me as I figured out the game. It was a different experience from any of the group experiences I’d had in the past. I could get used to this.

$5 buy-in per game. 2 games per night. $10k in chips to start. Blind levels go up every 10 minutes. 10 minute break every 3 blind levels. Last man standing gets 50% of the cash pot. 2nd gets 30%. 3rd gets 20%. When you take someone’s last chips, they owe you $1 as a prize for taking them out. 10-21 players a night. Alternating between 2 venues. Same time, same day, every week. Once you’ve been here, you’re always welcome back. Bring a friend if you want. This is a serious group of players, and the rules and timers will be taken seriously. Aaaaand, go!

Honestly, I didn’t go back for the poker. I went back because I needed the people. There was an added challenge for me here: the friend that had brought me suddenly up and moved in between poker nights, and if I was going to go, I was going to have to just show up by myself, nobody to hold my hand. To my surprise, I was welcomed back very openly, even without an escort or an announcement that I’d be coming, even though only a couple people there sort of half knew me.

So it was. I went every 2nd week, not knowing where the other venue was. Slowly, people started connecting with me on facebook. Soon enough, I was told I should start coming the other weeks too. 

I ended up going that next week, not because those people told me where it was, but because my friend was back in town for the weekend. Now, this was a couple weeks after my boyfriend and I had gotten back together, and some of the girls were clamoring to meet him. My boyfriend had also gone to high school with the friend who had moved and hadn’t seen him in about 15 years, so I figured I could get all of it out of the way and brought him to poker. There comes part 2 of the snowball poker started.

Now, my boyfriend was not a fan of poker. He thought it was a stupid game for stupid people and there was no skill involved in the game at all. There was a little grumbling involved in getting him there. In the end, he ended up placing pretty well and making money that night. 

Over the next few days, we’d be in the middle of a conversation, and he’d suddenly realize… “Oh God, am I talking about poker? Again?”

And so, it started. At first it was for the people. At first we only talked about the people. And then we started talking about the poker. And then we started trying to get better, and tried harder to win. We spent time learning more. We spent time playing online. We went every week. Eventually, we even started going to Sunday games. We’ve been invited to the Saturday games but the buy-in is more, and a little pricey for what we’ve been told is mostly random craziness without all the rules. But the poker bug bit us pretty hard.

And so, we’ve been dubbed “furniture” in the group. We’re just there, always. We’ve been to birthday parties, and other social events. That’s something we haven’t done… in forever. Social groups, especially mutual social groups… they just weren’t something we’ve had as a couple, or as individuals since we weeded out all the bad friends a decade ago. Things have changed so much in so little time.

But it’s the making it to the end and taking the win that might be what I really needed in my life. I’ve definitely gotten better at poker since I started playing, but I’ve never been able to take it all the way. I tend to do pretty well, and play pretty aggressively. When we merge tables, there are many nights where people from the other table see my stack and start lamenting their future demise. There are many nights where people curse my name, and over smoke break tell the story of how I took them down.

…But I would always do something stupid to lose it all. It would usually just take one really bad call to do me in. It wouldn’t kill me right away, but it’d only be a matter of a few hands before I was out. Poor decisions. Not paying attention to the players enough, missing a read on what they had. Not reading the board well enough, not considering what was probably out there. Testing my luck. Not caring enough. I’d always screw it up somehow.

In a moment of clarity this morning, I realized that the way I’d been losing poker is similar to the way I’ve been losing at life. I find things I’m interested in and that I’m good at, and I make a big push and a good go at it… and then somewhere along the way, I let myself hit a wall, and let everything slide until it’s gone. Jobs, projects, interests, people. It’s my default pattern in life.

So maybe learning to play a good, solid game of poker all the way through is just the breakthrough I could need in life. A stepping stone, of sorts. Poker has been a stepping stone for so much for me so far. I couldn’t imagine it’d take me where I am today, and I can’t possibly imagine where it will take me in the future, but if things keep going the way they are, I’ll be the person I want to be soon enough.

Oh, how things change…

I remember where I was when I wrote that last entry. Not within space, but within my life, and my emotions, and my situation.

The week I started talking to that friend again, a snowball of chaos started, eventually landing me where I am now. In some ways, the same place. In other ways… definitely somewhere different.

I’ve managed to sort of dig myself out of that whole friendless loner thing. I’m down one old friend, but up a large group of new ones. Instead of mourning my 5 year relationship, we’ve been actually seriously discussing marriage for the last few weeks.

As it turned out, my reunion with my kindergarten best friend, and subsequent feelings that started to emerge, ignited something in my ex, that after a week of serious talk and serious emotions, landed us back together and more serious than ever about making it work this time. It’s been about a month and a half, and no matter how crazy it seems after everything that’s happened, it’s… unexpectedly good. We’re better than we’ve ever been. A couple of months ago, I would’ve never guessed I’d be here.

We knew that to be lovingly, happily together, there had to be some serious changes in our lives, and even personalities. We didn’t think it was possible to change unless our circumstances changed. I had no idea a few months might be enough of a kick in the pants for either of us, let alone both of us.

In those few months, as the one who was “dumped”, I experienced all the stages of grief. I’d finally accepted. But in each of those stages, I know I saw him and our relationship in a different light. There’s something about the process that changes your perspective on things. I was done and ready (and already trying) to move on. But there’s something about that changed perspective that helps you appreciate things differently, and I think that’s how it was possible for us to come back together for another, more serious go at it.

We’ve been best friends for over 11 years. We’re family. There’s a reason we’ve stuck together this long, and in the end, we’re still the people each other wants to see, tell things, and do things with. We knew that if we could fix things and do it right, that we could be absolutely great. It was worth all the work and emotions we’ve gone through to get here.

In the end, it took going through every single bad feeling and bad situation we’ve gone through, talking about how we each perceived things and felt. And a lot of the good things, too. It helped us understand everything that’s happened, and if not mend the past, at least make it so we’ve gone through all of it together… eventually. Somewhere in there, we’d lost our connection to each other a little. Sifting through all of our baggage together managed to give us that connection back, and make it stronger than ever.

It wasn’t an easy process to go through, but it was well worth it.

A Fresh Start

I just had a really good conversation with my kindergarten best friend. Our first real conversation since kindergarten. Considering it was Kindergarten, I guess it might be our first real conversation ever ;)

It amazes me how we were friends for less than a year, long before either of us actually became people, yet we still turned out to be extremely similar. Not necessarily in the things we do, or the groups we ended up with, or the way we look, but in the ways we think, our beliefs, senses of humour, personalities, basic interests.

Sure, we’ve been “friends” on facebook for a couple years, but we hadn’t really talked since we were 5. We still managed a long, deep, meaningful conversation about life, our lives, and overcoming challenges. It actually made me feel pretty damn good about life and what’s ahead, which is a change for me.

I recently graduated, and haven’t found a job yet. I recently went through a breakup of a 5+ year relationship, where I’d literally been dating my best friend, who’d become a co-dependent loner with me. I’m basically starting my life over from scratch, no job, no real friends I actually hang out with, no love. Just me, and nothing but lack of money holding me back.

In this fresh start, I’ve made myself a promise. In the past, I’ve put up with crappy friends who don’t respect me, don’t really connect with me, who I don’t even completely like as people, just because they were my friends, and I’ve been intimidated by the people I’ve actually been drawn to, who have that personality type that I’d really mesh with. I got rid of those crappy friends, but I never replaced them. Now, it’s my mission not to let the good people scare me off, to go back and grab those people and bring them into my life somehow.

Life is too short not to make it the best life you can have, and it’s got to start with the people in your life. 

I’m really glad I approached that friend and told him how much I admire the person he’s become. Something in that conversation really opened my eyes and strengthened my resolve to let my life be great. Thanks, J.

I like the people at Google

The Google Master Plan 08.

Detailed photo backups of the boards:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cdibona/305318555/in/set-72157594390422837/

Whenever people talk about the Boogeyman, I always think of a giant monster made of snot.

What is reality? Is my reality the same as your reality? Is reality based on perception, or is it possible that we each live in external separate realities, yet still exist “together” in the same time and place?